I remember the shattering,shaming,souring moment of my young life.The cracking of your overwhelming voice at the end of the receiver.How hot tears slowly swept across my flushed cheeks until they gushed violently from my sore saddened glacial irises.It was the dreary day in which I lied.The false declaration I gave you.”I don’t love you anymore”.That single phrase set my world ablaze.Burning my tender heart brutally.
Every second after I wanted to die.The blurring of my heartache.That pulsing ache echoing my emptied chest.I poured it all out until nothing was left.Numb but in agony.The taste of the liquor and the fog of the drugs would not erase it.Sad sappy songs played on looping repeat.Curled up in a lifeless ball on a bed devoid of you.
Your voice haunting me.Re-reading every text just to pretend I was not collapsing in my own hellish little loveless prison.When I saw you with her I had no hope left.Watching your passion through the translucent glaring glass.Hoping these blistering emotions would pass .So I dated to yet they never measured up to you.
My jealousy brought me shame.I had sacrificed everything to save you.They forbid me from seeing you and threatened you.That is why I told that lie to steer you to safety.I put the nail in my heart’s coffin to spare you.This was the repercussion of that discord.You resented me but I bore that heartache for you.
Then they wanted me to be good.Behave like an obedient little bitch.To do as I was told.Smile.Fake it.Proclaiming what they deemed best for me.Controlling me.However those foolish wretches failed to perceive the monster they made of me.So I went deeper into my addictive atrocities.Screaming inside.
The mirror reminding me how ugly my essence had become.Dirtied by my determination to drive off that damned edge of no return.I built walls so high within that no one would ever break through again.Soon all incenitive of my concious was eradicated.The road busted and beaten.Darkening with every mile .
Drowning in the deep sea of my shell.Hiding it all.My purity passed.Naive no more.I grew wise as I had been cheated out of my soulmate.I ceased crying.Refused to hear your name anymore.The very mention flooded me with all those memories.I shut down.A zombie.Robotic.Conceal.Unable to heal.
When they dare say I dodged a bullet when it comes to you.I want to choke them.Make them feel this storm camouflaged by my lies that I am fine. So I swallow my misery and fake it.Let them believe it does not bother me though it is still fresh in my fucking mind.I help them through their relationship woes even though they took every damn thing from me.